So far my feet have carried me three easy kilometres. My heart pumps fuel through my legs as I feel myself unconsciously speeding up. The weather is as miserable as you can imagine it would be in Finland in November, but despite the freezing slush hitting my face I soon find that I’m smiling. Running makes me feel limitless. Runner’s high is the real deal and I wish never to stop feeling it. 

Running can indeed feel like the dream scenario presented here – or so I’ve heard. My reality has often been far less magical.

In the past, I loathed running. It’s been a loathing that has stemmed from the deepest parts of me. The parts that struggled and failed to keep up with the athletic kids in gym class and the other parts that watched my dad seemingly effortlessly train for and run a marathon while I barely managed to ride a bike alongside him on his long runs.

Before joining the military at the age of 18, I knew something needed to be done about my atrocious aerobic endurance, so I started training. But when my enlistment date was suddenly moved up by six months, I wasn’t prepared. During my service, my teammates often had to drag me through runs – an experience that was equal parts mortifying and humbling. 

The military sparked something in me and for the longest time, I dreamt of a career in the Finnish Defence Forces. I wasn’t able to achieve that dream because I was far from meeting the required fitness standards, most notably the 12-minute run test.

For years, I cycled through intense training periods, only to be derailed by sickness, injury, or sheer frustration. Time and again, I’d run out of time to get in shape for the entry exams.

I fuelled those intense training phases not with a burning desire to improve or to be healthier but with hatred towards myself. Why can’t I do this? Why am I so lazy? What is wrong with me?

I never ended up passing the running test and eventually gave the sport up altogether. 

Sometime last year, however, the thought of getting back into running came creeping into my mind. So many people around the world, my dad included, swear by running and how amazing it makes them feel. Surely, I couldn’t be the only person immune to running’s appeal. There had to be something about it that made these people do it, I just had never found what that something was. 

This year, I decided to go looking for that something. My goal was to be able to run a 5k by the end of the year. I’ve now done that three times and am about to do it a couple more before the year is over. 

I’m not sure if I’ve unlocked the supposed magic of running quite yet, but I do know something. You cannot hate yourself into enjoying exercise. It didn’t work with running and I doubt it’ll work with any other form of movement either. 

My relationship with running changed almost overnight when I decided to stop demanding so much of myself. I hadn’t run in years, it would be insane to expect to be able to run a 30-minute 5k or even keep up a pace most experienced runners consider their easy pace. 

I started slow. And I mean run for 30 seconds, walk for 2 minutes slow. The app/program I use is called None To Run, and I absolutely love it. 

My pace is still not any faster than my fast walk. I huff and puff and turn the colour of a fire truck. I have weeks of low motivation and run on the treadmill indoors when the weather is utter shite. My hips hurt and my hair is often a sweaty mess, but the accomplishment I feel makes it all worth it. 

I sometimes feel shame when an elderly couple power walks past me on a Sunday morning, but I’m only doing this for myself. And not because I want to reach some external standard, but because it allows for so many other things in my life. 

I can feel myself getting stronger and faster. I get to spend time outside and watch the seasons change. I have a chance to be alone with my thoughts and be truly present in my body. And hopefully, as long as I keep this up, I’ll also be fit enough to do my part if a crisis hits. 

I never in a million years thought I would say this, but I am a runner. Not because I’m fast or graceful, but because I keep showing up, one step at a time. And this time, that is enough. 

– All my love, Ansku

PS: I need to start taking running-related pictures that are more than just selfie variations… Maybe next time my imagery will be a bit more interesting